


Lost in the Desert

by lvs2read



Category: Firefly
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Challenge Response, Established Relationship, F/F, Femslash, Gen, Gen Work, M/M, One Shot, Slash, old fic is old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28617381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lvs2read/pseuds/lvs2read
Summary: Jayne's confused, and then the job goes south. Because they always do.
Relationships: Kaylee Frye/Inara Serra, Malcolm Reynolds/Simon Tam
Kudos: 10
Collections: My Ficathon/Challenge Fics





	Lost in the Desert

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2006 as a pinch-hit fic for the Mal-Inara-Simon-Kaylee Ficathon at the now deleted livejournal community aintappropriate. This was written as a gift for Kueble, who wanted Mal/Simon &/or Inara/Kaylee, someone playing cards, Jayne super confused about something, and a happy ending.
> 
> Beta'd by vae.
> 
> Translation in mouse-over and at the end.
> 
> See other notes at the end.

* * *

**Lost in the Desert**

Snick. Snick. Snick.

Simon laid the cards out on the table with deliberate precision then sat and contemplated his first move.

Jayne wandered into the galley, looking for something to eat before their upcoming meeting with Badger. "Hey, Doc. Wha'cha doin'?"

"Just passing time, Jayne." Simon moved a card from one pile to another.

"Yeah? Wha'cha playin'?" He found an apple and came to stand behind Simon, looking at the cards as he munched noisily.

"It's called Patience. Something I'm sure you're not familiar with. Could you please not stand there?" Simon asked peevishly.

"Wouldn't be so sure 'bout that, Doc. Takes patience to learn trackin'. This card plays there." Jayne pointed to the move with the hand holding the apple.

Simon grimaced. "Thank you, Jayne, but I'm not lost in the desert."

"Huh? Course you ain't. We ain't even landed yet, 'n s'far as I know we ain't landin' in a desert. An' you ain't even gettin' off ship, so how could you be lost?" Jayne took another noisy bite of the apple.

Simon shook his head, sighed, and moved the card where Jayne had indicated.

Kaylee and Inara wandered in, murmuring quietly to each other. When she spotted Simon and Jayne, Kaylee gave Inara a brief hug then joined them at the table. "Hey, fellas. What's up? Ooh, I love this game. This card plays there." She pointed out a move with a grease-stained finger.

"Thank you, Kaylee; but, as I told Jayne, I'm not lost in the desert." Simon explained patiently.

"Huh? Oh, right. Sorry, Simon." Kaylee gave his shoulder an apologetic squeeze and joined Inara on the couch.

"Wha's he goin' on 'bout the desert for? I don't get it? We ain't landin' in the desert, are we, Zoë?" Jayne asked as Zoë walked in.

Zoë shot him a baffled look as she said, "Jayne, you know Eavesdown Docks ain't in the desert. Captain wants to know if you're ready."

"Yep. Got everythin' we need, right here." Jayne patted the holster on his hip and the knife at his belt.

"Good. Be in the cargo bay in thirty. Should be landed and ready to go by then. This card plays there." Zoë said as she walked out.

"Not in the desert." Simon grumbled to himself as he moved the card.

Jayne gave him a puzzled look. "Course we're not. Zoë said so. Don't know what's got into your brainpan there, Doc, but you're soundin' as loony as your sister."

A moment later Mal walked in, already in his duster and holding his gloves. "Mornin' all. Kaylee, shouldn' you oughta be in the engine room?"

"Nah, Captain. Everythin's shiny." Kaylee looked over at Mal, giving Inara's hand a gentle squeeze.

"Still. Be a mite more comfortable if'n you was in there case somethin' happens." Mal glanced fleetingly at Simon while he talked with Kaylee.

"All right, Cap'n. Don't you fret none, though. Our girl's jus' fine. Though I could stand to pick up some extra parts while we're here?" Kaylee asked, exchanging smiles with Inara before heading towards the door and the engine room.

"We'll see, little Kaylee. Right now just gotta make sure we get 'here'." Mal answered distractedly.

"Aye, aye, Cap'n." Kaylee tossed him a mock salute as she left for the engine room.

"Inara." Mal nodded at the Companion. "Still here? Thought you'd be off gettin' ready for your client by now."

"No clients this time around, Mal. We're not going to be here long enough, remember?" Inara smiled sweetly at him as she left the room.

He grunted then turned to Simon. "Still in a snit, Doc? Haven't said more'n two words this mornin'."

"I am not 'in a snit'." Simon answered resignedly. "But as I've already expressed my opinion about this job, and you didn't care to hear it, I don't see the point of discussing it further." He shrugged.

"Not that I didn't wanna hear your opinion, Simon. We just need this job, and ain't nothin' gonna change that. This card plays here." Mal picked the card up and moved it to its new position.

" _Āi yā_! Fine! You want to play the game? Here. Have at it. I'll be in the infirmary waiting to patch up any bullet holes you return with." Simon shoved back from the table and strode out of the room.

"Ain't gonna be any bullet holes!" Mal called after him. "Not if I can help it, anyway," he muttered as he turned back to Jayne, who had sat down at the table and started playing the card game. "What's got into him? Knew he was upset. Didn't expect him to fly off the handle like that."

"Don' know, Mal. He's been goin' on all mornin' 'bout bein' lost in the desert. Ask me, he's gettin' t'be as crazy as moon-brain." Jayne examined the cards, looking for any available moves and not finding any.

Mal frowned at him as he said, "Yeah, well, didn' ask you. C'mon. Time to go."

"Yeah, this game's lost anyway. Guess Doc don' know how to play Patience after all." Jayne scooped up the cards, laying them on the game shelf as he followed Mal out of the room.

***

Twenty minutes later, they were safely landed and berthed at Eavesdown Docks.

"All right, everyone, let's get this show on the road." Looking at each person in turn, he continued, "Jayne, Zoë, you're with me. Wash, Kaylee, you see what kind of parts you can get cheap. Book, …"

"I'll go to the market and get some fresh foodstuffs," he calmly interrupted.

Mal looked startled as he said, "Right. Good. Doc, you and River…"

"I know the drill, Captain," Simon pointed out.

"S'pose you do. All right. Everyone back here in two hours. Should be more'n enough time to meet with Badger and pick up the shipment." He pulled on his gloves and started for the cargo bay doors, but was stopped by Simon's hand on his arm. He glanced at the hand then looked up and asked, "Simon?"

"Be careful, Mal." Simon looked at him with barely contained concern.

Placing his hand over Simon's, Mal said, "Always am," and leaned down to give him a gentle kiss before striding down the ramp.

Simon sighed and watched them go, worry written all over his face, before closing the ramp and turning back to the infirmary.

***

Some time later River peeked her head around the doorframe. "Lost in the desert."

Simon looked up and smiled. "No, I'm not, _mèi mèi_. I'm right here, as always."

"Not you. Him. Missed the path through the woods. Needs someone to show him the next move."

"I'm sure everyone's fine, River." The comm unit beeped. "See, there they are now." He walked over to the unit and answered, "Yes?"

"Hey, Doc. Want to come let us in?" Wash's voice crackled over the speaker.

"On my way." Simon left the infirmary, crossing the cargo bay to the ramp controls, River following on his heels.

"Mustelidae. Burrowing animals. Dangerous when crossed." River mumbled as Simon looked out the window at Wash, waiting for the pre-arranged signal before opening the doors and lowering the ramp.

Wash drove the mule onboard, Kaylee and Book sitting in the passenger seats and the back end loaded down with parts and supplies.

"Looks like everyone had a successful run." Simon commented as he hit the button to close the ramp.

"Yeah, shoulda seen Wash haggle for the parts. He got us some real good deals." Kaylee smiled happily.

"It helped that you were doing your distraction bit, Kaylee. Don't know how you keep pulling off that sweet, little, ignorant me routine, but it sure does work. Think they'd learn one of these days." Wash winked at her.

Kaylee giggled and gave Wash a quick peck on the cheek. "Nah, men who run junkyards 'r the kind who think women don't got a clue. Always have been, prob'ly always will be. An' my daddy didn' raise no dummy. Taught me young how to use my flirty ways to advantage." She batted her eyelashes at Wash and everybody laughed.

"Have we heard from the others yet?" Wash asked as they began unloading the mule, he and Kaylee handling the spare parts while Simon and Book took care of the foodstuffs.

River stood back, head to one side, listening to something only she could hear.

"No, but it's early yet. They're not due back for at least half an hour." Simon shrugged.

"Time is irrelevant. Has no meaning. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Today. Now. All just moments. Time stands still. Time changes things. Heals all wounds." River muttered to herself.

"What's she saying, Doc? Think there could be trouble?" Wash asked.

"I have no clue. River? Are you trying to tell us there's a problem?"

"Told you. Lost in the desert. No treats. Only tricks."

"That doesn't sound good, son." Book said.

"No. It doesn't. I should… No, I can't contact Badger. Wash? Book? Can either of you? Is that even wise?" Simon tried to think what to do. Given time, he knew he could come up with a plan, but spur of the moment was not his area of expertise.

"Probably not," Book agreed. "Why don't I contact some people I know? See what they can tell me?"

"I'll go check the Cortex," Wash said. "See if something relevant shows up. I'll also make sure we're ready to go at a moment's notice, if need be."

"Good. I'll get the food put away then make sure the infirmary is prepped for any contingency. Kaylee?" Simon picked up a bag of produce, preparatory to taking it to the galley.

"I'll jus' get these parts stored then I'll…" Kaylee answered nervously.

"What's going on?" Inara asked from the catwalk.

Simon looked up at her. "We think the captain, Zoë and Jayne might be in trouble. Book's going to check with his contacts. Do you think…?"

"Of course, Simon. Let me see what, if anything, I can find out. Kaylee? Join me when you're finished?" Inara smiled down at the mechanic.

Kaylee took a deep breath, thankful she wouldn't have to be alone while they figured out what was happening. "Thanks, 'Nara. I will."

"All right, everyone. Let's get to work. See what we can find out," Simon said as he picked up more foodstuffs and headed up the stairs.

Everyone disbursed to carry out their various assignments while River sat braiding her hair and listening.

***

Meanwhile, in the middle of nowhere, klicks away from Eavesdown Docks, three figures were lying in the dirt, hands and feet bound.

Mal moaned and struggled to sit up, with no success.

"Welcome back, sir."

Glancing over he saw Zoë watching him passively. "Zoë. You all right?"

"As rain, sir."

"Tha's good. Jayne? Jayne!" Mal tried to turn his head to locate the merc, but couldn't see him.

"He's behind you, sir." She tipped her chin in the general direction. "Hasn't woke up yet."

A groan sounded behind him, and Mal let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"Mal? Wha's goin' on?" Jayne mumbled.

"Don't rightly know, but reckon I should've listened harder to Simon." He'd been testing his bindings ever since coherency returned, but found they were too tight to allow him to do more than wiggle his fingers. "Everybody's bindings as tight as mine?"

"I've been trying mine for the last half hour. No luck. Sorry, sir."

"Ain't your fault. Jayne?" Mal asked over his shoulder.

"What? Ain't my fault, neither," Jayne grumbled.

Mal closed his eyes in frustration. "Never said it was. Your bindings?"

"Oh, them. Nah. Tighter 'n a virgin's…"

"Jayne!"

"What?"

"Stop talkin' an' see if you can untie my wrists," Mal said in his stern captain's voice.

There was the sound of heavy breathing and much scuffling behind him, and then he felt Jayne's fingers fumbling at the rope holding his wrists together. It took a few minutes, but finally Mal felt the bindings loosen and before much longer they fell away completely. He rubbed his wrists, trying to bring back the circulation, then leaned down and untied his feet.

"Thanks, Jayne. Zoë?" He glanced over at his first mate.

"Jayne first, sir. Need to know where we are."

"That we do." Mal smiled slightly at Zoë before turning to Jayne. "All right, Jayne, hold still while I see what I can do 'bout this knot." Being able to see what he was doing, he untied Jayne quickly then went over and helped Zoë get loose.

Once they were all untied, they sat and looked around.

"Where do you suppose we are, sir?" Zoë squinted into the sun.

Mal shaded his eyes with his hand as he looked around. "Hard to say. Could be anywhere on Persephone, though I doubt we're too far from Eavesdown Docks. Jayne. Think you can pick up the trail? See how we got here? Figure out just how far away we are?"

"Y'know, Doc was goin' on all mornin' 'bout bein' lost in the desert. Don't s'pose he's learned to be a reader from crazy, do ya?" Jayne asked.

Mal and Zoë shot him looks that said they thought he was the crazy one. "No, Jayne, I don't. Though I surely do wish I had a deck o' cards right 'bout now. Just see what you can find out from the trail," Mal told him.

Jayne looked at Mal in confusion then went to look for their trail.

"So, sir, why do you suppose Badger had us kidnapped and dropped out here? Leastways, I assume it was Badger?" Zoë asked as they watched Jayne hunt for the trail.

"Oh, I'm sure Badger's behind this. As to why," Mal shrugged. "Who knows what goes on in that little man's mind? We get out o' this, though, plan to give him a piece o' mine."

"So we are gonna get out of this, then?" Zoë asked complacently.

"Of course we are. Don't we always?" He grinned at her. "Betcha someone's already lookin' for us."

***

Back on Serenity the rest of the crew had gathered in the galley to share information and decide their next course of action.

"Nothing showed up on the Cortex. No warrants that would have caused their arrests, but then we always check for that before landing anywhere, so no surprise there," Wash supplied.

"My contacts told me no one matching their descriptions was seen near Badger's haunt today," Book said.

"You have contacts who watch Badger's haunt? Do I even want to know why you know these people?" Simon wondered.

"Probably not, son. Anyway, another contact told me he saw them riding on a mule with half a dozen others, headed east out of town."

"Well, at least we know a direction to look. Inara, any ideas?"

"I could take my shuttle, fly out that direction and see if I spot them," she suggested.

"That's an awful lot of territory to cover. Plus, it would be almost impossible to see them from the air. But I'm grateful for the offer." Simon nodded his thanks.

Inara tipped her head in acknowledgement. "I wish my contacts could be of more assistance, but …"

"No, I understand. They're more used to dealing with the higher echelons of society. We can't just sit around and wait, though. Any…"

"Reading the signs. Searching for breadcrumbs. Wants to be lost in the woods, not the desert."

"River? Are you telling me they're all right and trying to find their way back?"

"Silly Simon. Always careful. Sometimes not careful enough. Doesn't know where home is." River wandered out of the room.

"That sounds like good news, sort of, doesn't it?" Wash asked of no one in particular.

"You know. She might have the right idea," Book stated calmly. "Doctor, why don't I see if my contact can track them outside of the city? Get a better handle on which direction they went. Then we could take a shuttle out to pick them up."

"Would your contact be willing? And able?" Simon looked at him hopefully.

"Well, he's probably not as good as Jayne, but I'm sure he could point us in the right direction. And as for willing, let's just say he owes me a favor or two." Book gave a small, secret smile

Simon looked at him speculatively and said, "All right. Do it."

Book and Wash left to get in touch with Book's contact, leaving Simon alone with Inara and Kaylee.

Kaylee was leaning forlornly into Inara's embrace. "They're all right, ain't they, Simon?"

"I hope so, Kaylee. I hope so." Simon distractedly ran a hand through his hair.

***

Out in the desert, Jayne loped back to Mal and Zoë. "Looks like they brought us out here on a mule. We head west, oughta hit Eavesdown Docks, eventually. Kinda hoped they mighta dropped our weapons somewhere, so followed the trail a ways. No such luck."

" _Zāo gāo_. Figures. All right. So, do we sit tight 'til it starts coolin' off, or start headin' back now?" Mal asked his two companions.

"You see any shade on the trail, Jayne?" Zoë asked.

"Yeah, 'bout half a klick up there's some scrub brush. Not much shade, but some." Jayne pointed back the direction he'd come from.

"All right, let's head there and wait 'til it cools off to go further." Mal decided. "No point goin' too far without water."

They stood up and headed west, towards town and shade.

***

Simon was pacing the cargo bay, worried about Mal and the others. He knew there was nothing more he could be doing. The infirmary was as ready as it ever would be, but he couldn't sit still, either. Kaylee had Inara to help ease her worries, Wash was busy with the shepherd, and River was her usual cryptic self, so he was alone with his thoughts. He was trying to keep a positive outlook, but it was getting harder to do as the day wore on.

"Simon." Book called from the catwalk. "My contact found their direction. He's offered to go get them so we won't call attention to ourselves by sending the shuttle."

Simon was bounding up the stairs before Book finished.

"That is good news." Simon sighed in relief. "I'm not sure about your friend picking them up, though. Mal's not likely to trust someone he's never met," Simon commented.

"We thought of that." Book agreed. "Thought we might use a password. Something that only Mal would understand the meaning of."

"Hmm…Not a bad idea. Okay, tell your friend to tell him I said to get his ass on their vehicle before I get in a snit to end all snits. Think that'll do it?" Simon grinned at Book.

Book smiled back. "I should think so, though I think I'll tell them 'someone' said to do that so we don't get names involved."

"Fine." Simon waved Book off to the bridge and went to tell Kaylee and Inara that everyone should be back soon.

River watched him go, mumbling, "Storm's brewin' in the east. Better buckle up for the ride."

***

The sound of a mule heading their way woke Mal from a light sleep. Glancing around, he noticed Jayne on guard, watching warily as the mule approached. Suddenly, Zoë's hand was on his arm.

"What do you think, sir?" she whispered cautiously.

"Hard to tell, this distance. Jayne? Any ideas?" Mal called out softly.

"Too far away t'tell fer sure, but don't look like none o' Badger's men." Jayne rejoined them, waiting.

"Malcolm Reynolds?" the man on the mule shouted as he came within range.

"Who's askin'?" Mal called back.

The man stopped the mule a fair distance away and said, "A mutual friend sent me."

"This mutual friend got a name?"

"He does, but he asked that I not use it. Said to tell you, though, that someone he knows says, and I quote, 'Get your ass on this mule or I'll get in a snit to end all snits.'" The man swallowed nervously.

Mal looked at Zoë, who was trying to maintain a straight face, and Jayne, who wasn't, and said, "Sounds like we got us a ride back to town. Much obliged."

***

When Simon had told Kaylee that Mal, Zoë, and Jayne had been found and should be back soon, she had asked if she could go out and buy each of them a gift. Simon hadn't been too sure about her leaving the ship, but when she told him what she wanted to buy, he agreed, as long as Inara went with her. They were just returning to the ship when the mule pulled up and the three others hopped off, giving the driver a hearty "Thank you."

"Hey, little Kaylee. Inara. Why aren't you on board?" Mal asked as he punched in the code to lower the ramp and open the doors.

"We just had something we needed to pick up, Mal. And since you weren't here…" Inara stated calmly.

"But now that you're back, we can…" Kaylee was almost bouncing in excitement.

"Ain't back just yet, Kaylee. Got somethin' needs doin' first." Mal strode up the ramp followed by Zoë and Jayne, Kaylee and Inara trailing after them looking at each other in puzzlement.

"And what would be so important that you need to leave before you've even been checked for dehydration?" Simon was walking towards them across the cargo bay, carrying a tray with three glasses of water on it.

"Thanks, Doc," Zoë said as she took sips from her glass. "Driver had some water, but not enough."

"Yeah, Doc. Thanks." Jayne saluted Simon with his glass.

"Captain?" Simon eyed Mal sternly until he took the last glass.

"All right, fine." Mal drank half the glass then said, "But we ain't got time to dawdle. Gotta see a double-crossin' weasel 'bout some weapons. Jayne, you get Vera, and anythin' else you think you might need. No grenades, though. We're not blowin' his place up. Jus' puttin' the fear o' Malcolm Reynolds in him. Zoë, go tell your husband to be ready soon's we're back. Both o' you meet me back here in five."

Everyone left the cargo bay except Simon, who was walking around Mal, inspecting him from head to toe.

"What 'r you doin', Doc?" Mal asked, following Simon's progress with his head.

"Looking for bullet holes." Simon answered vaguely.

"Ain't got any. Didn' even get in a fight." Mal shrugged. "Meanin' they prob'ly knocked us out with stun guns. You can check for aftereffects later," he conceded. "First, I gotta clear up this little misunderstandin' with Badger."

"I tried to tell you. The man can't be trusted." Simon said absentmindedly as he came to a stop in front of Mal.

Mal pinched the bridge of his nose. "I know you did, _liànrén_. No need to rub it in."

Simon reached up to touch Mal's cheek. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to. Just… be extra careful going in there. I've worried enough for one day."

Mal pulled him in for a fierce kiss. "I will. An' I'll try not to get shot, too. How's that sound?" Mal rested his chin on Simon's head as they embraced.

"Mmm… Sounds good." Simon hugged Mal tightly, but stepped back when Zoë appeared with another gun for Mal.

"Ready?" Mal asked Zoë and Jayne.

"Ready, sir." Zoë held a shotgun in her hands.

"Let's show that rat what for." Jayne chomped on the end of a cigar.

"We'll be back before you know it," Mal promised Simon with a swift kiss.

"You'd better be. I've got a gift for you when you get back," Simon said with a twinkle in his eye.

Mal arched an eyebrow at Simon, who grinned back at him.

***

Forty minutes later they returned from their visit with Badger, unwounded and in possession of their missing weaponry.

"Whoo hoo! Did you see his face when I threatened him with Binky?" Jayne was exuberant with glee.

"Yes, Jayne. We did. Happened to be there at the time," Mal deadpanned.

Zoë looked on indulgently as she hit the controls, closing the ramp again. Turning to the comm she let Wash know they could take off. The three of them headed for the galley, where they settled in to relax.

Simon found them there and inspected them for any noticeable damage from the stun guns. "You all seem to be fine, and if you haven't had any problems yet, you probably won't; but I'd be happier if you'd each come by the infirmary later for a more thorough exam. Be sure to drink more water, and go easy on the alcohol. You're already dehydrated enough."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, Doc." Jayne waved him off with the bottle of booze he was holding.

Zoë smiled at him, tipping her glass of water at him in acknowledgment.

Mal tried to pull him onto his lap, but Simon managed to evade him.

"Later, Mal," Simon said, smiling as everyone else joined them. "Right now, we have something we'd like to give the three of you."

Wash walked up to Zoë, his hands behind his back. Kaylee handed something to Simon, and then went to stand by Jayne. Simon sat down next to Mal. They all three reached out at the same time, each holding a deck of cards.

"We want each of you to carry these cards with you when you go out on jobs from now on, especially if the job entails going to the desert," Simon said solemnly.

Mal and Zoë looked at their respective partners, who winked at them, then at each other, and burst out laughing.

Jayne looked on in confusion. "What the gorramn hell 'm I s'posed to do with a deck 'o cards when we're busy on the job?"

"Ain't you heard, Jayne?" Kaylee asked. "If you're ever lost in the desert, be sure ya have a deck o' cards along. All ya gotta do is deal out a game o' Patience an' somebody'll come along an' tell ya how to play." She started to giggle.

"Hunh. That what you was goin' on 'bout this mornin', Doc?" Jayne asked.

"Yes, Jayne, it was." Simon grinned at him and started to laugh.

Jayne looked puzzled for a moment longer then joined in, laughing louder than everyone else.

River looked on, quietly smiling, content to know that her family was no longer lost in the desert.

* * *

_Āi yā_ = Damn  
 _mèi mèi_ = little sister  
 _Zāo gāo_ = Crap  
 _liànrén_ = lover

**Author's Note:**

> Mustelidae=the family of mammals to which badgers belong.


End file.
